i have a clove of garlic on a string in my vagina right now
specifically, this clove of garlic on a string:
i woke up this morning with a yeast infection, which i tend to get once every couple of months for seemingly no goddamn reason whatsofucking ever. i happen to be very very broke right now as im trying to acquire all of the tools needed to begin my metalsmithing career, so throwing away $25 for gross ass monistat just wasnt an option. i had heard of the clove of garlic method a few times before—garlic has antibiotic, antifungal, and antibacterial properties and is used on yeast infections frequently—but i was always a little bit nervous about that sort of adventure. an hour of itchy fire vagina completely vanquished that nervousness, and i decided to try it out.
i went to the kitchen, broke off a clove from a fresh head of garlic, and cut off the pointy ends to increase surface area and avoid sticking pointy things into my vagina. then i peeled off the skin, and cut two notches into each side of the clove (you can kind of see them in the picture). for retrieval purposes, i wrapped a piece of thread around the garlic twice, slipping it into the notches each time, tied the thread, and left some extra so that it would hang out like a tampon string. at this point i texted sento-bishojo and methodistcoloringbook for emotional support, and then in the clove went.
it fucking stung. but only in one small spot and only for like two seconds. then, like the ball of anxiety that i am, i started thinking really intensely and in great detail about the fact that i have a sizable clove of garlic in my vagina, and i started to feel a bit woozy. if you use this method, dont think about it. just do it. its fine, i promise. otherwise you will pass out. you dont want that. youre trying to cure yourself not make things worse, remember?
the most amazing part of it is that about a minute after putting the garlic in my vag, BAM! i could taste it. i still can. there is a very strong connection between the mouth and the vagina, so most women will be able to taste the garlic almost immediately upon insertion. in fact, most people suggest using the garlic method before bed because the constant garlic taste is too bothersome for daytime. i love garlic, so i said fuck it and did it this morning.
anyway, the garlic has really worked so far. the fire-ants feeling was gone within a minute, and i can sit comfortably without wanting to forceably remove my nether regions. so, im itch free, didnt have to spend $25, got to use a natural instead of medical remedy, learned yet another awesome thing about the vagina, and i have an awesome taste in my mouth. i think i won.